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I find myself at an impasse. I find myself struggling at my progress. I never really fancied myself as a real writer. I never really saw myself as a serious scribe of the world. There seems to be a little part of me that wants to do and be more. I don't really know to make progress as one would do in this field. Do I want to try to sound smarter? I have always believed that sounding smart and having the actual intellect is quite a difference. I really don't know. I often find myself at a fork. As with all my life decisions, I really just let things happen as they may. I am not one to plot or plan for any foreseeable situations. I also find myself struggling about what to write and how to write it. As I re-read all my past logs, I see my flaws of story telling. Even now I find myself trying not to make the same mistakes, yet habits are hard to break. I know that stories need and want to bring the reader into a world of that particular event, I find my stories lacking. Maybe I lack the verbal and intellectual capacity to actually write a story that really brings you into the journey. Then again, I am not writing stories, as they are experiences. But aren't these experiences just another form of a story; shouldn't these stories involve the reader? I don't know. Maybe it is me being self aware of my flaws as a writer. I don't even know if I can call myself that without, actual writers of the past turning in their graves. Do I really want to pursue the perfect story? Should I keep writing as is? Can there be more? Can I be more?

Some time ago, when I was young and foolish, I thought of myself as a writer. I would always try to write down my thoughts and ideas. When I was in school, I found myself happy to write essays about stuff that I had no idea about. I always found a way to comment on life. I always saw myself as someone that stood outside of the crowd and looked in the window. I thought of myself as an observer of life not a participant. Is that what it takes to be a writer? I don't know if I always enjoyed writing. It was always just something I did for fun or out of boredom. Even now I write because I am bored, but I also feel a sense of freedom. This is a world that I can be me. I can truly express who I am and what I think. I always put on a facade of a goofy unknowing kid. Here I can be who I truly wish to be. I can be a well spoken and unlighted person. I can step outside of the person I project and be the person I want to be. That is a relief. I don't pose as a smart person, or something that I am not.

In today's post I think I will actually air myself out. This post will be more for myself then anyone else.

I don't think I have much experience in life, yet I always find myself giving advice. I don't fancy myself as an intellectual, yet I find myself roaming the halls of wise men. I think I can explain who I am in a couple of words, a planned spontaneous oxymoron. As I write this blog I am thinking about my younger days in college. I never saw myself as a well read or experienced person, but I always found myself as someone who always gave advice. I didn't give advice when it wasn't wanted, friends would seek me out to ask, and for some reason I always had an answer. I always found that odd. I never really told them that I didn't have too much life experience, and I never did. I have helped people out of situations that I have never been in my life, and it all worked out. I also found myself in leadership positions. I never thought of myself as a take charge person, I am by all means not. I am not one to jump head first or run in front of the pack. I would always be in a group. Someone takes charge and before I know it I'm in charge. I ended up delegating and ordering people, and they seemed to follow my lead. I never really understood why that happened.

There are many mysteries in my life. Things happen to me and for me at different times. I always accept it for what it is and move on. I think one day I will find my answers to my questions. I am not going to look for the answers. Knowing how my life usually works out; the answers will present themselves to me. Again. I find myself rambling on.

I also wanted to thank those who actually read my posts. I would love to read comments and hear from you.


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The End

I am who I am for the sake of those who need me to be me.

-Cezar-

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